We leak.
It’s 3 a.m. Monday morning. My throat hurts. My left ear is throbbing. My eyes are wet but there are no tears on my pillow. There’s a storm brewing in the pit of my stomach. The peace of the past four days has dissipated like the morning mist on the windows from the high humidity and heat of the week.
Why? Where has that peace gone?
In the words of my friend, Lola, “We leak.”
This soul container called a body in all its imperfect glory, leaks.
We can be moving along with God’s peace until one day, it’s anxiety or worry robbing you of the moment.
Like a low fuel warning on a car, that’s the signal we need to stop and fill up. I believe it’s prayer that is keeping my disease at bay and it’s prayer that fills me up to enjoy each day for what it is — one more day on this beautiful earth. It makes me grateful.
To replace that anxiety, and try to fall asleep, I pray and sing in my head the verses I recall from praise hymns. Okay, sometimes I have to make up the words, God knows what’s in my heart. I’m unsure how He does it, but he hears our prayers.
Over the weekend I have been given the privilege to pray for one more friend of mine who has brain tumors. That’s right, my friend Shelley, tells me it is a privilege to pray for me. Now, I am looking at my ever-growing list of cancer patients (and other asks) as a privilege.
A privilege to pray.
Of course, I have now run out of fingers and must find another method of keeping track of every need I am aware of, and some needs that I am not but I ask God anyway.
It was suggested I write names in a book. Or, write names on paper and keep them in a box. Then, you can pray over everyone in the box.
I remember my pastor’s wife, Karen, had a portable Rolodex. The names were written on small cards, punched with a hole, and strung on a key-chain type ring. It was huge and she prayed on each one of the cards before moving it from one side of the ring to the other.
I admire those people, but I struggle to focus long enough to pray some days.
But all is not lost. God’s provision for moments like those lies in Romans 8:26-27 “And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.”
I feel a little selfish when I take the time to pray for myself. But it do. Especially when brain MRI day approaches, that day is today.
We are driving to Rochester, Minn., for that test, a doctor’s appointment, and a short visit with my brother in Jamestown.
I’ve regained confidence that all will be well. My apprehension has been replaced with small tasks that must be completed before we leave.
We are not going alone. I have confidence in that also. I know your thoughts and prayers are fueling my tank. I’m counting on it.
INDYchildrendotme 
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